Life in the Consultinghood

I realized on the weekend that I really don’t like to iron my own clothes. In fact, I don’t like ironing other people’s clothes either. How blissful it was, to just throw on a pair of jeans and tee-shirt and head to work. These days, I have to have a routine in order to get ready for my day in consultinghood: underpants, dress shirt, dress pants, belt, security badge, cell phone and keys all to the iTune of Tom Jones. Sometimes, I throw on a sweater vest.

Sometimes, I consider everything in perspective. Yes, I do enjoy looking like Carlton Banks, just not everyday. It makes me wonder if perhaps the only way I can achieve job satisfaction is to run my own company.

I have an idea to start up a website that incubates business ideas in partnership with technology. Something like what open-source software is, except for entrepreneurs. A common meeting place online where people can post blogs about business ideas and have a community of contributors help build that idea. Open-source ideas where everyone is free to use and incorporate it into their business model. People who are successful contribute back to the community with lessons learned, and help future entrepreneurs.

An Idea Farm of sorts.

I would love to start something like that, even in real life. I suppose its more akin to what Google has done with the 80/20 rule, where 80% of the business funds the 20% of the entrepreneurs. Wouldn’t it be rad if we had a 20/80 rule where 20% of the business funds 80% of the cool ideas.

For now, I’m commuting in my Civic 46.8 kms to the client site (which I’m not allowed to say who) where I sit in the basement elbow to elbow with other consultants and try to convince someone to buy more of my time. That is what I do; I sell my brain through Word documents and Power Point presentations (they’re called “decks” in the biz). Maybe someday, through RFPs as well.

The consulting I want to get into is the kind that ThoughtWorks does or what SpringSource does. Agile Software enablement, or training. Developing skills through SOLID methodologies. But of course, these types of engagements are harder to sell because there’s no visible bottom-line. You can’t tell the VP to pay $250K for two hippy consultants and all they’re going to do is make the employees happier. What a waste of money! We need to deliver business value through better software practices.

So that’s why there’s so many shitty projects out there. Because if the project was fun and exciting to work on, there would be no reason to bring in consultants. Most companies only bring in consultants when they are desperate.

Currently, I’m working as a Business Analyst. My official title is Senior Consultant, which translates to “A Much Older Business Analyst.” I write requirements documentation and do analysis. I take those documents and get sign-off from the business. Then I take that document and go to the Systems Programmers and translate it to tech terms. Then they say its impossible to do that in COBOL and I say, What the fuck are you still doing supporting COBOL, and they say, Its bringing us in $280 million a year so we’re not touching it. And I think, That’s fair.

And it goes back and forth a few more times, and in fact, a few more months until someone in a pair of expensive running shoes jumps in the room and yells out, Just Do It!™ And to your disappointment and mine, its not Tommy Vu!

Perhaps the hardest part of consulting is getting things to start moving. Analysis paralysis is an easy trap to fall into, and while most people think they’re being iterative and agile, rather, they are just not moving at all; only everything else around them, particularly time, is moving along quite splendidly.

If everyone by some miracle ends up happy with the requirements documents, then we start the design. The design is perhaps both the most painful and most fun part. Partially, because I come in knowing nothing about the existing system, but I’m required to come up with a working and viable solution and design document. Sweet! What about proof of concept or spiking on a task you say? What! You have just violated Waterfall process. Go back 10 paces. In this game, if you can somehow get in some coding, you probably haven’t been at it for long enough for your technical skills to become stagnant.

Perhaps I’m too jaded already for this job. Perhaps I haven’t given it a fair chance yet. Perhaps tomorrow, I will be reassigned to an engagement where I can actually use what I’ve learned the last three years and maybe even improve on it. Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll win the lottery and never have to work again. Personally, I hope I win the lottery.